Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
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found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.