I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
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Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
house sitting!