KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
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I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Hot Hot Hot
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead