There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
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ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
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Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
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MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
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Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
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WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
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I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
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Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
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all i want is to be as happy as this potato
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
What
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.