therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
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Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
You can’t rush stupid.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
The Onion called it…again.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Waiting for the Charmin
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again