Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
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[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down