Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
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The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.