Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
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Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone