I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
You Might Also Like
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Is your wife single?
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes