I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
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The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.