Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
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ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
How high do the levels go?
My therapist after every session
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Ape together strong
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…