“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
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me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.