Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
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I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
was Jim off killing horses or…
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want