Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
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Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Leaving the Barbers like
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.