The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
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It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Pizza is an emotion right?
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin