I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
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The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area