[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
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My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.