her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
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Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
True statement👍😏😁
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”