Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
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SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Order here:
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Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Oops I deleted….
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all