“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
You Might Also Like
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!