I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
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Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.