ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
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Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap