My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
You Might Also Like
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*