“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
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If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Smile they said.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him