The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
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Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
I am crying
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza