Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
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A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.