I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
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Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Never mess with a drunken pig.
the council will decide your fate
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)