[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
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I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang