Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
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I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.