I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
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ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
*aggressively waits in line*
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
This is amazing.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.