Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
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Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either