Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
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I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
A roof is a house hat.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?