Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
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Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house