The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
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A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
FINE, I WON’T.