Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
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my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.