Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
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i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever