Happens to everyone.
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Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k