I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
You Might Also Like
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.