Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
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normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
This could’ve been an email.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn