A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
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[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
What a chick magnet..
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.