Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
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The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
There are usually two types of merchants.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.