Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
You Might Also Like
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
I don’t think my car can fly
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….