When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
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Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Easy enough.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony