Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
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I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
cats when you pet them too long:
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾