Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
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If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?