My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
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Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.