“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
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I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes