[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
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*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
I wish I could veto my bills.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.