If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
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*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
A man of commitment.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other