If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
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Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Who did it better?
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
😂😂😂😂😂😂